Most couples struggle because love is getting lost in translation.

One person is showing love by working hard, helping with the kids, paying the bills, or getting things done around the house. The other person is longing for affection, words, quality time, or emotional connection.

Both may be trying. Both may even love deeply.

But if love is not being expressed in a way the other person can actually receive, it can leave both people feeling unseen, unappreciated, and disconnected.

This is where the idea of “love languages” can be helpful.

The five love languages, made popular by Gary Chapman, are usually described as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. They give couples a simple framework for understanding how each person tends to give and receive love.

But here is the important part: love languages are not meant to become labels. They are meant to become a doorway.

A doorway into better listening. Better noticing. Better loving.

Because the goal is not just to know your spouse’s love language.
The goal is to become fluent in love.

Love is not just what you mean. It is what they experience.

One of the greatest mistakes we make in marriage is assuming our intention is enough.

“I meant well.”
“I was trying.”
“That’s just how I show love.”
“They should know I love them.”

But love is not only about what you intended to communicate. It is also about what your spouse actually received.

You may feel like providing financially is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you sit with them and ask about their day.

You may feel like physical affection is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you speak encouragement over them.

You may feel like doing practical jobs around the house is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you slow down and give them your full attention.

This is why love requires humility.

It asks, “How do you feel loved?” Not just, “How do I prefer to give love?”

Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is deeply practical in marriage. It means love learns the other person. It studies them. It pays attention.

A healthy marriage is not built on loving your spouse in the way that is most convenient for you.

It is built on learning to love them in a way that reaches them.

Love languages are helpful, but they are not the whole story.

Love languages can be a great conversation starter, but they are not a complete relationship system.

Recent relationship research has questioned whether every person has one fixed “primary” love language, or whether matching love languages is the secret to relationship satisfaction. A 2024 review argued that the popular assumptions behind love languages are not strongly supported by the full body of evidence.

That does not mean love languages are useless. It means we should use them wisely.

Think of love languages less like a diagnosis and more like a map. A map can help you understand the terrain, but it is not the destination.

The goal is not to say, “My love language is quality time, so you must love me exactly this way forever.”

The goal is to say, “This is one of the ways I often feel most connected to you.” That shift matters. Because mature love is not demanding. It is discerning.

It learns.
It adapts.
It serves.

The deeper need underneath every love language is connection.

Whether your spouse loves words, affection, time, help, or thoughtful gifts, the deeper longing is often the same:

“Do you see me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you thinking of me?”
“Can I still reach you?”
“Are we okay?”

This connects with what Dr John Gottman calls “bids for connection”—small attempts to reach for attention, affection, support, humour, or closeness. Gottman describes bids as a fundamental unit of emotional communication, and healthy couples learn to turn toward these bids rather than ignore or reject them.

That means love is not only found in the grand gestures. It is found in the small responses.

Looking up when they speak.
Texting back with warmth.
Saying thank you.
Holding their hand.
Helping without being asked.
Noticing when they are overwhelmed.
Remembering what matters to them.

Love languages work best when they help us turn toward each other more often.

Because connection is built in the small moments we choose not to miss.

The five love languages in real life

Words of affirmation say, “I see the good in you.”
This looks like encouragement, appreciation, blessing, gratitude, and speaking life. Words matter. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” In marriage, your words can either become a weapon or a covering.

Quality time says, “You have my attention.”
This is not just being in the same room. It is presence. Eye contact. Conversation. Shared moments. Listening without rushing. Your spouse should not have to compete with your phone for your attention.

Acts of service say, “You are not carrying this alone.”
This might look like helping with dinner, taking initiative, doing the job they hate, making life lighter, or noticing what needs to be done. Love often looks like practical support.

Physical touch says, “I am close, and you are safe with me.”
This includes affection, warmth, holding hands, hugs, tenderness, and appropriate intimacy. For many couples, touch communicates reassurance when words fall short.

Gifts say, “I thought of you.”
This is not about materialism. It is about thoughtfulness. A small gift, a note, their favourite snack, or something that says, “I remembered.” The value is often not in the price, but in the meaning.

Each one is simply a different way of saying, “You matter to me.” Healthy love communicates needs without demanding worship from the other person.

Love languages are not about training your spouse to meet every emotional need. They are about helping both of you become more aware, more responsive, and more generous.

The goal is not to be loved perfectly. It is to love faithfully.

A healthy marriage is not built by simply knowing your spouse’s love language. It is built by consistently choosing to speak love in ways they can receive.

It is built when you notice.
When you listen.
When you adapt.
When you serve.
When you repair.
When you turn toward each other again and again.

Because love is not just a language you learn once. It is a life you practise daily.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

Here’s the science behind how many people you can realistically maintain meaningful relationships with, without draining all your energy.

Scroll through your social media platforms and you’ll see plenty of people with over 1000 friends or followers. It might make you feel like you don’t have enough and that you should be befriending people online every chance you get. The question is, how many of those will be truly close friends, the ones you actually talk to, share your life with or call when things get tough?

In our digital age, we’ve built larger social networks than ever before, but many of those connections are just online friends, not meaningful relationships or people we actually journey through life with. 

For mums, navigating friendships can feel even more complex. Between family schedules, kids and the demands of daily life, our social circle shifts dramatically. 

So what’s the optimal number of friends we really need for a good life and is it a smart idea to try to have lots of them?

The science behind how many friends we can have

Oxford University professor and psychologist Robin Dunbar studied how many people we can realistically maintain relationships with. His research, often called Dunbar’s number, found that humans can only manage about 150 meaningful connections at once. This isn’t just about Facebook friends or group chats; it’s about people we genuinely know and interact with in our social lives.

But Dunbar broke this number down further into smaller, nested layers, reflecting different levels of emotional closeness and time investment:

• 3–5 people: Your close circle, those you talk to and interact with daily or almost daily. They’re your close friends, your lifeline during difficult times, the ones you trust completely. The people you share your highs and lows with, laugh and cry together.
• 10 good friends: People who still affect your life deeply. You’d be devastated if something happened to them, but they aren’t your bestest friends.
• 35 casual friends: Those you might see at work, school events or your kids’ activities, people you know a bit about but aren’t fully in your inner world. These could be the mums you chat with each week while watching your kids play soccer. 
• 100 acquaintances: The rest, family members, old classmates and people you keep loosely connected with through social media.

That makes up Dunbar’s 150-person limit, the ideal number of meaningful connections most of us can comfortably sustain.

Age, stage and personality affect our friendships

Your friends group in high school was probably a larger circle. If it wasn’t, you felt left out and certainly not cool. If you were anything like most kids, you cared more about fitting in with a larger group and having lots of friends to share your social life with. In your 20s, quantity might have mattered more, with late nights out, group chats buzzing and larger social networks filled with new friends and shared experiences. The more friends, the better. 

But as we grow older, especially in our 30s and beyond, our priorities shift. Friendships become more about quality than quantity. We begin to value close relationships that bring emotional support and life satisfaction over maintaining a large number of casual friends.

And that’s perfectly normal. As a Pew Research Centre study noted, adults in midlife tend to have a smaller circle of close friendships but report higher life satisfaction because those relationships are deeper and more stable.

Our personality also plays a role. Extroverts may crave a larger circle of people and thrive on constant connection. Introverts, meanwhile, often prefer a small circle of close friends who bring calm and trust. Neither is wrong. It’s about recognising what fits your life best.

Friendships require energy and time

Friendship isn’t a passive thing. Real relationships take energy, emotional availability and most importantly, time. Every person has only so much to give.

When you become a mum, that time and energy get divided between children, family members, work and home life. It’s natural for your social network to shrink. Some friends will drift away; others might move from your close circle to your casual friends layer. That doesn’t mean the friendship failed. It just evolved with your life.

As your social lives change, you inevitably redistribute your attention. If you try to maintain a larger group of friends, you spread your emotional energy thinner and that can leave you feeling drained. 

Is it bad if I only have two close friends?

Not at all. Some people feel perfectly content with one or two close friendships. You might not have a larger circle anymore and that’s completely okay.

Your close friends are the ones you share your highs and lows with, who text to check on you, who know when you’re struggling. Even if that’s just one good friend, that connection can make a massive difference to your mental health and overall life satisfaction.

Psychologists agree that having meaningful connections, even with a small number of people, is one of the strongest predictors of a good life. It’s not about how many friends you have, but whether you have at least one person who truly gets you.

Friendship and wellbeing

Friendships aren’t just nice to have; they’re essential for emotional and physical wellbeing. Strong close relationships buffer stress, reduce loneliness and support better mental health.

According to the Pew Research Centre and other studies, people with supportive friend circles report higher happiness levels, less anxiety and even longer lifespans. A good friend offers emotional support during difficult moments and celebrates with you during the good times.

So, don’t make the mistake of trying to skip out on friends because you have no time or energy. You don’t need five or even two, but you should at least have one close, safe and healthy friend who you can do life with.

For mums, that emotional support can be life-changing. It might be the person who drops off the kids at school when you’re sick or the one who listens without judgement when you’re struggling to balance it all. Those close friendships remind you that you’re not alone and that connection is one of the best forms of self-care.

Building (or rebuilding) your friend circle

If you’ve looked around and realised your close circle has shrunk, don’t panic. It’s never too late to find new friends. Here’s how to be intentional about building meaningful relationships:

1. Assess your social network. Think about who’s in your close circle, friend group and casual friends. Knowing where people fit helps you invest your time wisely.
2. Be okay with a small circle. Don’t measure your friendships by the number of people you know. Two good friends might fill your life more than 20 casual friends.
3. Nurture what you have. Send that message, schedule that catch-up or reply to that text you’ve been putting off. Consistency builds close relationships.
4. Say yes to opportunities. Attend that mums’ meet-up, join a playgroup, volunteer or reconnect with someone from high school. Every person you meet could be the start of a meaningful connection.
5. Accept that friendships change. Some friends will move away or drift as life changes. That’s natural. Focus on the ones who show up and on being that good friend for others.

Quality over quantity

Ultimately, friendship isn’t a numbers game. Whether you have one good friend or a larger social network, the secret is quality. True close friendships bring trust, laughter and stability.

Your social circle doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. For some mums, the ideal number might be a larger circle of people who energise them. For others, a small circle with just one or two close friends feels perfect.

Friendship is about meaningful relationships that make life richer, not busier. 

Article supplied with thanks to Mum’s At The Table

About the Author: Adriana is Mums At The Table’s part-time digital content creator and writes from Kingscliff, Queensland.

Feature image: Canva

Danniebelle shares a heartfelt glimpse into holding onto a lifelong dream

It’s a dream she’s carried since she was a little girl.

Not a vague idea, but a clear picture – a family, built on love, partnership, and the kind of care she watched her own parents model so beautifully. It’s still there, still strong, unchanged in its essence.

Only now, it sits alongside another reality… It hasn’t happened yet.

“My biggest dream from when I was a little kid was that I would be a mum… and it still is.”

There’s something disorienting about dreams without timelines. We get used to milestones in life – school, work, relationships – often mapped out in neat succession. But some of the deepest desires don’t come with a calendar date. They unfold in their own time, or sometimes, feel like they’re taking longer than expected.

Uncertainty can feel like a mystery

For Danniebelle, that uncertainty can feel like a mystery she’s learning to live with.

Not solve. Not rush. Just live with.

“I don’t know the date, I don’t know the time… it all feels like a bit of a mystery.”

There are moments, she admits, where the questions get loud. Nights where she turns it over in her mind, “Why hasn’t this happened for me?” Moments sparked by something as simple as a film or a fleeting love story on screen, highlighting the absence of something she longs for deeply.

And yet, alongside the questioning sits a quiet resolve.

A choice not to get lost in the “what ifs”.

Keep trusting… even while we wait

Instead, she’s learning to place that dream gently into God’s hands; to trust that a desire so deeply rooted isn’t there by accident, or as some kind of cruel tease.

It’s a trust that isn’t always easy.

There are times when God feels silent on the subject. Times when the gap between hope and reality feels wide. Times when comparison sneaks in – when it’s tempting to look at others and think the grass might be greener somewhere else.

But almost as quickly as those thoughts come, they’re challenged.

Because with age has come perspective. A growing awareness that comparison rarely brings peace, and that even the paths that look ideal from the outside can hold their own complexity and pain.

Life, after all, rarely turns out exactly as imagined.

“I’ll immediately go, ‘oh yeah, the grass is greener over there’ but then straight away go, ‘no, I can’t think like that.’”

Danniebelle and Brendan both acknowledged that reality: the relationships they’ve seen break down, the families reshaped by loss or hardship, the unpredictability of life. It’s enough to make anyone pause and wonder what the future might hold.

Even, at times, to question the dream itself.

There are moments when Danniebelle has looked at the state of the world – the chaos, the uncertainty – and quietly wondered what it would mean to bring children into it. It’s not a loss of hope, but a reflection of how deeply she cares about the kind of world future generations will inherit.

And yet, through all of it, one anchor remains. A verse she returns to again and again: “For I know the plans I have for you…” (Jeremiah 29:11).

It’s not a quick fix or a neat answer. But it is a reminder that even when she can’t see the full picture, she’s not forgotten. That her life isn’t defined by what hasn’t happened yet, but by what’s already been given.

And that list, she realises, is full.

Family. Friends. Meaningful work. A community of listeners. A life rich with connection and purpose.

It doesn’t replace the dream but reframes it.

Rather than becoming consumed by what she doesn’t have, she’s choosing to invest in what she does. To pour her love, energy and attention into the people and opportunities already in front of her.

And to trust that the rest will come in the right time. Or in the right way. Or in a way that may look different from what she imagined.

“I don’t want to be distracted by what I don’t have when I have everything right now.”

This was a reminder that so many people can relate to as they are walking similar paths, carrying similar hopes, often quietly.

Dreams that feel delayed.

Questions without answers.

A tension between trust and longing.

And in sharing her story, Danniebelle gave language to that space, not as something to fix, but something to gently hold.

Because sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is keep trusting… even while we wait.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Supplied

Is That a Problem?

If you’ve ever looked at another Christian couple and thought, “Wow… they seem to have this whole praying together thing sorted,” you’re definitely not alone. 
 
For a lot of couples, praying together feels awkward, vulnerable… and honestly? Sometimes a bit weird. 

“We avoided it for years” 

Author of The Happy Marriage Darren Chapman admitted that even in his own marriage, praying together didn’t come naturally. “We tried it once and I was like, ‘This is odd. This is bizarre.’” 
 
In fact, he said he and his wife Beck avoided it for years because it felt uncomfortable. 
 
Praying out loud with your spouse can feel incredibly vulnerable. You can’t hide behind fancy words or ‘church language’ when the person listening knows you better than anyone else. 

Different backgrounds, different expectations 

One of the biggest challenges couples face is simply coming from different spiritual experiences. 
 
As I was growing up, I watched my parents pray together every morning for half an hour. But when you marry someone with a totally different background, suddenly expectations collide.  
It doesn’t mean either person is wrong. It just means you’re building something new together. 

Start small. Really small. 

You do not need to become ‘super spiritual’ overnight. 

Maybe it’s: 
• A quick prayer before sleep 
• Praying when something stressful happens 
• Thanking God together after dinner 
• Praying in the car 
• Taking 30 seconds before a hard conversation 
 
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is connection. 

“Embrace the awkward” 

Darren’s wife Beck has a line she uses often: “Embrace the awkward.” 
 
Because awkward doesn’t last forever. Like any new habit in marriage, it feels unfamiliar before it feels natural. 

What if one person wants it more than the other?

Sometimes one spouse is eager to pray together while the other feels hesitant, uncomfortable or uninterested. 
 
Darren’s advice? Don’t pressure. Don’t guilt-trip. Start with conversation. And if your spouse isn’t ready yet: Pray for them, not at them. 

Prayer isn’t about ticking a box 

Praying together isn’t about earning ‘good Christian couple’ status. 
 
It’s an invitation to: 
• be vulnerable 
• slow down 
• support each other 
• bring worries to God together 
• create unity 
 
Prayer changes the atmosphere of a relationship because it softens hearts, builds empathy and reminds couples they’re not carrying life alone. 

Maybe this is your permission slip

If praying together has felt intimidating, awkward or inconsistent in your marriage, maybe this is your reminder that you’re not failing. 
 
You don’t have to force someone else’s rhythm onto your relationship. 
 
You can start with one honest conversation. 
One simple prayer. 
One small moment. 
 
And awkward beginnings often become meaningful habits over time. 

Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.

About the Author: Audrey Waugh is a writer who works in marketing at Rhema 99.7.

Feature image: Canva

What healthy friendships really look like at every stage of life

“Healthy friendships are all about mutuality,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “It’s about being on that even field where one isn’t more important than the other.”

Collett discussed healthy friendships with Nathan Brewer, a youth worker; and Ian Barnett, the founder of the National Grandparent Movement.

Across the stages and ages of life, our life choices and circumstances will influence the friendships we look for. Some friendships we make are deep and long-lasting, others are only for a season. But no matter our circumstances, the signs of a healthy friendship are the same.

What does a healthy friendship look like?

When asked what a healthy friendship looks like, Collett described her best friend, and says the strength of their friendship, and any healthy friendship, is there is no judgement.

“When I’m with Lorraine … whatever I tell her, she’s not going to judge me in my freak-out moments, or my darkest moments. She’s there to listen, she’s really open. She doesn’t judge me if I don’t text her fast enough. We pick up where we left off.”

Collett also refers to the work of psychologist, Professor Prinstein, who uses the analogy of a ladder for unhealthy friendships, and the playing field for healthy friendships.

There can only be one person at the top of a friendship ladder, and clinging on no matter what it takes is not healthy for anyone; not for the person on top, or the people striving to be at the top.  But on a friendship playing field, everyone enjoys mutual respect and an even footing.

Teenagers are particularly susceptible to unhealthy friendships, says Nathan.  When a power balance is at play, he says, young people find themselves on the unhealthy friendship ladder instead of the healthy playing field.

“A healthy friendship is quite inclusive and wants more people to join that circle, where an unhealthy friendship is often, ‘it’s just you and me’, at the expense of your other friends … Things that the child or teenager used to love, they kind of grow cold against because of the friendship.”

As we age, says Ian, our friendships will inevitably endure disagreements and differences of opinion, but in a healthy friendship, these struggles are always broached with mutual respect. A lifetime of experience and maturity bring the benefit of wisdom to these situations.

“There are certain relationships you have to maintain, but as you get older, there are certain things that you realise, ‘That is not helpful for me’ … It’s OK to say yes, and it’s OK to say no. We need to work out how to build confidence in not worrying about what ‘they’ will think.”

Knowing our boundaries, and learning how to respectfully communicate them, are essential pieces of the puzzle for healthy friendships. Good friends will respect those boundaries because they want the best for us, no matter how our friendships shift and change.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

Relationship expert, Phil Ayres shares about the power of forgiveness in any relationship.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness has a purpose,” began Phil, “It’s not just forgiving for the sake of forgiving, but forgiveness actually brings freedom when we practice that aspect of our relationship.”

Forgiveness stops hurt and resentment building up and weighing us down.

Phil said that the New Testament holds the central theme of the Christian faith, which separated it from so many other religions of the day- unconditional forgiveness.

“Jesus modeled that when he was on the cross. There’s this amazing verse on the cross where he says, ‘Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they’re doing’. It’s the most epic statement of the New Testament.”

In that moment, God forgave humanity.

“You would imagine that lightning would have flashed, because it was God releasing forgiveness to humanity, to all of us. And the guards did not take one scrap of notice of what he said.”

Unconditional Love

Jesus offered something that wasn’t voluntarily received by anyone who was present, but he willingly gave it as a free gift.

“He wasn’t waiting for anyone’s performance or response before he gave that. And that’s the secret of true forgiveness. True forgiveness is the willingness, I think, not just to forgive for the sake of it, but to trust God that he knows best and that he ultimately is the just judge.”

Phil said it is so important to apply this to the relationships we have, as it will strengthen us.

Love and Unforgiveness

Can we love someone and hold onto unforgiveness?

“Yes and no. You won’t grow in that love,” said Phil.

“In other words, forgiveness has a way of putting us in the ground and holds us it binds us to the hurt of that experience. And so even though you love someone, what that unforgiveness does, if you hold it, it will stunt your capacity to continue to move forward and to grow together.”

Phil points to the notion that people move on.

“They’re actually saying, they couldn’t keep growing with that person in the in the potential of the relationship because that that unforgiveness had stumped them. It had held them and bound them to that experience which stopped and stunted the growth potential of the relationship.”

The Impact of Unforgiveness

The presence of unforgiveness and resentment poisons the desire to communicate and communication is the foundation of true intimacy.

“Unforgiveness actually poisons intimacy,” said Phil.

“When unforgiveness comes in, the desire for intimacy is completely assassinated. It shuts down your emotional heart and it causes grief, it causes pain, it ends up creating separation and it literally poisons. It’s like a systemic poisoning of your entire soul that reduces your capacity to feel loved and to give love. It’s a crazy, insidious type of thing that affects us.”

Hurt People

“You can’t not feel hurt. Hurt feelings happen and there’s a whole range of things that happen with hurt feelings. But hurt feelings don’t have to become a destruction of the soul,” said Phil.

He argued that hurt feelings done have to become a deterioration of the heart.

“Hurt feelings have got to be addressed quickly. You’ve got to make a choice. And the reason God gave us the power to forgive is because what it does that minimizes the residue.”

When Phil is teaching couples about conflict, their intention is to get conflict out of the relationship.

“But the problem is because of their differences, conflicts will continue to happen. What they need to learn to do is manage that. And when hurt has happened, to forgive quickly.”

He pointed to the scripture in Colossians 3:13: ‘Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’

“Don’t wait until you feel like you’ve forgiven, because that’s a deception… letting your emotions lead your will.”

Phil said that choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

“Whereas if you let your feelings lead you, will never change. It’ll just be a roller coaster on a continuum. We’ve got to learn to live out of the choices we and things we believe, not the feelings and things we experience. Otherwise, we’ll be always at the mercy of things that happen to us.”

Forgiveness

“When forgiveness is enacted, it keeps us free of the poison. It keeps us free to communicate and therefore continue to build intimacy with that special person. It’s crazy the way that resentment grows, not just in one relationship, but it filters into everything you do.”

A Question to Ask

Phil wraps with this encouragement and a key takeaway:

“Forgiveness helps my ongoing hunger to know my spouse at an ever-deeper level. It stops that stunting of growth. But the question I’d ask everyone today is this: Am I practicing real forgiveness with the one I love? What can I do today to let go of hurts that hold me back from our growth in the relationship we have?”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

Feature image: Canva

If humans are wired for connection, why do relationships often feel like hard work or confusing?

Many clients have shared some version of this question with me. They notice themselves pulling away from people they care about, overthinking simple interactions, not feeling fully satisfied by relationships, or feeling flat or disconnected in moments that “should” feel warm. Sometimes we have a longing for closeness but no clear sense of how to move toward it. At other times, even the idea of connection feels really overwhelming, as if we’re not quite sure we have the energy required, or if it’s really what we want.

It’s easy then, in these moments, to draw critical conclusions: “I’m not good at relationships”, “I don’t really need people”, or “People don’t care about me.”

But what if the difficulty connecting isn’t about a lack of desire or motivation for building connection?

What if it has more to do with losing touch with the underlying system that helps us find our way toward it?

We Are Wired for Connection

Connection is not a preference or personality trait. It’s a fundamental biological human need.

Decades of research in attachment theory, developmental psychology, and neuroscience point to the same conclusion that human beings are regulated through relationships. For example, infants cannot stabilise their own nervous systems without a caregiver’s presence. Their heart rate, skin temperature, stress response, and emotional states are shaped through repeated interactions with another mind and body.

This need doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. Studies on co-regulation show that even as adults, our physiology, like our heart rate variability, stress hormones, and emotional arousal, continues to be influenced by safe, attuned contingent connection with others.

In this way, the pull toward connection is already built into our biological system. And yet, knowing we have the need for something doesn’t necessarily mean we know how to meet the need!

Feelings as a Kind of Compass

One way to understand this gap between knowing about a need and meeting it, is to look more closely at the role of feelings.

In affective neuroscience, feelings are not seen as vague, unimportant or “soft” experiences. They are understood to have been generated by evolutionarily old brain systems that track how well our needs are being met. Researchers like Jaak Panksepp and, more recently, Mark Solms, have described core affective systems (such as SEEKING, CARE, PANIC/GRIEF) in the brain that organise behaviour around survival and connection.

From this perspective, feelings function as a kind of special internal guidance system. Feelings signal when something matters, when something is missing, when something feels safe, or when something feels off.  In this way, help orient us toward what we might need and tell us if we are doing a good enough job of meeting that need.

For example, a sense of warmth might draw us closer. A flicker of discomfort might invite caution. A feeling of loneliness may nudge us toward reaching out.

When we are in contact with these feeling signals, connection is not something we have to think our way into, as we already have the map.

When Guidance Gets Disrupted

For many people, however, this internal system might not feel very clear or accessible.

Sometimes feelings are too intense. The nervous system can then become flooded or hyper-aroused, making closeness feel overwhelming or unsafe. In response, the system might have learned to downregulate too quickly (avoidance, shutting down, detaching).

At other times, feelings are muted or distant. There is reduced access to interoceptive signals or uncertainty about not really knowing what you feel. Without these signals, it becomes really difficult to know what we want, never mind how to move toward it.

There can also be misinterpretation. A surge of physiological arousal (like a racing heart, tight chest, or nausea) may be interpreted as danger, rather than as longing, excitement, or vulnerability. The body signals that something is important, but the mind categorises it as threat without exploring further.

And often, there is an internal conflict. The same person may activate both approach (seeking closeness) and avoidance (protecting from overwhelm), leading to a sense of push-pull; being drawn in and pushed away at the same time.

These patterns are not random flaws. They are learned adaptations to difficult and confusing experiences. The nervous system then over time simplifies our responses about how much feeling is tolerable, how it is interpreted, and whether it is safe to act on.

When Connection Becomes Something You Have to Figure Out

If feelings are what guide us toward connection, what happens when we can’t access or trust them?

Connection then starts to shift from something intuitively meaningful into something effortful or confusing.

Instead of sensing our way to meet the need, we try to over-think our way forward:

• Am I being too much?
• Do they actually want to hear from me?
• If I express this need will I be rejected?

Cognitive control steps in where this feeling guidance system is offline or uncertain. Interactions and connection can then become overanalysed or avoided altogether. Closeness may feel like something to manage carefully, rather than something to move into naturally.

Without access to our internal signals, connection becomes something we try to figure out like a tricky maths problem, rather than something we can feel our way into more organically.

The Misunderstanding

Sometimes, this can look like disinterest, detachment, or low capacity. But more often, it suggests a disruption in the feeling system that helps us recognise and respond to our own needs.

The longing for connection may still be there but the path toward it feels unclear.

So when we think something like “I don’t need people”, it’s more likely something closer to “I don’t know how to find my way to them from here.”

Relearning the Language of Feeling

If this is true, then the work is not about forcing connection by following set rules or ‘performing’ it more effectively. It is actually about slowly re-establishing contact with the internal signals that make connection possible.

This begins in very small ways:

• increasing awareness of bodily states (interoceptive awareness)
• naming emotional states, even when they seem vague (shown to improve emotional regulation)
• gradually expanding tolerance for feelings, rather than immediately avoiding or overriding them

For some, this process involves learning to stay with feelings that once felt overwhelming for just a little bit longer. For others, it might be discovering feelings that have long been out of reach.

This is about developing a different kind of relationship with one’s own internal world that is curious, patient, and gradually more trusting. And unfortunately, there is no quick fix method!

Finding a Way Back

In order to meet our inherent needs for connection then, it seems to require a rebuilding of trust in the internal system that helps us recognise what we feel, what we need, and what draws us toward others effectively.

The difficulty, then, is not that connection is unnatural or that we don’t need other people. It’s that, at one time or another, we all lose access to the very signals that help us find our way. And often, the path back to others begins with first feeling our way back into ourselves.

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Why showing up matters more than having the answers.

Supporting others to live their best lives doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence, authenticity, and the courage to sit with pain. 

Wayside Chapel CEO Jon Owen, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder and prison chaplain Danny Abdallah discussed how they help people to live their best lives. 

Ask, Listen, Encourage, Check In 

Raewyn Elsegood strives to bring joy to hard places. As a chaplain, her approach is simple but profound: turn up and be present. She uses the R U OK? framework for effective conversations – ask, listen, encourage, check in – as a practical way we can support the people around us. 

Raewyn also talks about the importance of being kind, and the power of listening well. She says it’s important to listen well to our friends and also to our family members.   

She shares that her children say she was at her best as a parent when she didn’t tell them what to do, but showed up and listened to them instead.  

“Sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is sit on the end of someone’s bed and simply be present, saying nothing at all,” says Raewyn. 

“Imagine if we could all do that all the time,” she says. “Impossible, but we can all try.” 

Turn Pain into Purpose 

Danny Abdallah brings a perspective forged through unimaginable loss. Having lost three children and niece at the hands of a drunk driver, his approach to helping others centres on presence and patience.  

Danny quietly shows up for grieving fathers in his community, waiting until after the shock subsides before having coffee with them and simply listening. 

“When you’re too positive, you’re actually being negative,” Danny explains. “You’ve got to just sometimes sit in the pain. And I think once you get into that pain, you sit in it long enough, you feel this peace that’s like no other when you’re coming out of it.” 

Through his work as a prison chaplain and the Forgiveness Project he’s helped develop, Danny helps inmates understand the power of forgiveness – both of others and themselves.  

During the program, Danny’s story is shared with groups of 50 to 60 men, then they break into smaller groups with forgiveness coaches. The goal is to help men understand the importance of forgiveness, and to break the cycle of reoffending. 

Be the Imperfect Companion 

Jon Owen challenges the notion that we need to have it all together before we can help others. In fact, he sees that expectation as a delay tactic. He says that what matters isn’t perfection but authenticity. 

“Instead of saying ‘be strong’, I say my focus is on being a tower of weakness for others,” Jon explains. 

“Sometimes the best behaviour you can model is surviving [and] to remind people that the sun will rise the next day.” 

At Wayside Chapel and in his personal approach, Jon emphasises the power of proximity and following through on commitments. If he says he’ll call someone every day for two weeks, he does – whether they answer or not. That missed call becomes a reminder that someone is thinking of them in the chaos. 

Raewyn perhaps says it best when describing what living your best life looks like: having no expectations of anyone or anything. It’s about letting go of control and valuing what we have. Through presence, authentic connection, and the courage to accompany others through darkness, we can help each other find our way.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Love expert Pastor Phil Ayres explains the impact our words, tone of voice and body language have on the way we speak and show love to others.

Everyone Needs Kindness

Pastor Phil says everybody needs a little kindness.

“I know some people say they’re not a words person, but everyone needs to hear kindness in the words that we speak.”

“In other words, the words that I use in my relationships, I will bear the cost or the benefit in those relationships, depending on how I speak and the way that I use my words,” said Phil.

The Rudder of a Ship

Our culture has become casual, according to Pastor Phil. He observed that people don’t like too much formality or rigid control.

“In reality, the tongue, the words of your mouth, are like the rudder of a ship and they will steer the direction of your life.”

We can underestimate the impact of a rudder compared to the size of a ship.

“If we underestimate the power of our words, we can underestimate the impact that they can have.”

Elements of Influence

Pastor Phil said there are three elements to consider in any type of communication. And each of those has different elements of influence.

1. Content

2. Tone of Voice

3. Body Language

“The content we speak, has about 7% of influence on a conversation. The tone of your voice has 38% of the influence on the conversation and then the body language is 55%.”

Content & Tone of Voice

The content is the smallest component of what influences the outcome, but still essential.

“Our words are important, but our tone is massive.”

When I use a tone that’s sharp, sarcastic, or I raise my volume, that’s interpreted as a threat. Whereas when I’m calm and when I’m respectful in that tone, it actually helps that other person that I’m engaging with feel safe and continue engagement.”

Phil spoke of his personal experience with tone of voice.

“I know that my wife and I, when we are engaging each other and it’s heated, the tone of voice is everything to actually whether that gets too heated or whether we calm down and we process.”

He said that it can become a trigger in how people react towards each other.

Body Language

Body language, such as rolling your eyes, turning your back or becoming indifferent in the way you project towards that person, can be really detrimental to any effective communication.

Emotional Flooding

When a person is overwhelmed in the moment, it is common to be flooded with anger or frustration.

“The biblical framework to be able to overcome the challenge of dealing with that is to slow down. That’s fundamentally, if you’re going to really get a control of any anger or emotional triggers, the key biblical framework is to slow down,” said Phil.

‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’ James 1:19

“Let your ears do the work and let your mouth stay quiet,” said Phil. He said the definition of slow in this case means to pause and make wait.

“So, if we’re going to address the issues that we’re dealing with and manage the tone of our voice and then the responses we give, if we want our relationship to be safe and not to allow emotional flooding.”

Certain people may have experienced negative forms of communication in their childhood. Phil implores those in a relationship to be responsible for managing emotions and allowing slow responses as a form of self-control.

“You are still responsible for managing yourself and allowing that to calm down and then breathe and you can take breaths, you can pause, you can walk away for a moment, you can ask for time out, all sorts of things.

Bite Your Tongue

“You can bite your tongue, which is what my mum said to me, if you want to say something negative, bite your tongue.”

Phil has been known to actually hold his tongue and it can defuse the heat of the moment.

“Because it’s really hard to say something serious when you’ve got to hold your tongue. Then try to speak… it’s the weirdest, strangest thing, and everyone starts laughing.

Fix The Relationship Before You Solve the Problem

Phil explained the importance of asking forgiveness from the person you are speaking to, rather than fixating on solving the problem.

“Always come back and pause on the conversation what you’re trying to get through and ask forgiveness of the person you’ve hurt and allow them the emotional time.”

Once peace has been restored, couples can resume the conversation and start working towards a solution.

“The moment it turns from the issue to the person and you’re targeting their character or some sort of question of who they are, you’ve actually moved completely away from the conversation. So you’ve already lost your way.”

He encouraged people to heal that situation and try not to further the conversation.

“The worst thing is when you’re angry and you’ve hurt each other and you’ve lost your way and then you’re still trying to sort out the problem. Pause. Everyone pause and give yourself a break.”

Reflection

For anyone struggling in this area, Pastor Phil encouraged asking the questions:

• Is this building my relationship or tearing it down?
• Is it helping me build the relationship or working in the opposite direction?

“We need to consider that, and if we want great relationships… Let our words bring life.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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As humans, we share the common desire to be known and loved. But what happens when those expectations aren’t fulfilled?

“Unmet expectations are usually around relationships,” explains psychologist, Collett Smart. “You feel really let down and unloved, often because you think … they should have known, and they didn’t know, and now you feel hurt.”

Collett, along with Ian Barnett, founder of the National Grandparent Movement; and Nathan Brewer, youth worker, discussed what unmet expectations are, why they occur and how to avoid them.

No matter what the nature of our relationships with family, friends or colleagues, the ways in which our relationships with others are forged and grown creates expectations.

When our expectations are fulfilled, relational harmony is easier to maintain. But sometimes our expectations of others remain unmet, and this can cause confusion, pain and relational breakdown.

Unmet expectations, says Collett, are most often attributed to our unwillingness to communicate them. But the reasons why we fail to express our expectations to others are vast and varied.

At its core, explains Collett, our expectations are borne of a desire to be known and loved.

“I’ve been married for thirty years … and some of our niggles at home are still around unmet expectations … Sometimes we might feel embarrassed. It feels vulnerable. Or you feel like someone doesn’t care … it really boils down to you wishing the person would know you.”

Ian admits that being prepared to voice our expectations so they are more likely to be met doesn’t get easier with age.

He shares that Australia’s older generations have expectations around politics and community that seem to be increasingly unmet, but the most hurtful unmet expectations are centred around their adult children.

“The reality is, we struggle to communicate (our expectations) … because we’re fearful of rejection, and so the best thing is to just not say anything, and then we get disappointed when they’re not met … You have to work out what is realistic. What can I expect? And how can I function in that world and not be anxious if things aren’t met?”

Creating realistic expectations of ourselves and others is something all of us struggle with. None more so, shares Nathan, than today’s youth. Teens now not only contend with voices in their immediate family and social circles telling them what they should think, like, say or do, but are also constantly bombarded by countless influencers on social media.

“They (teens) are getting told to expect so many different things … (but) they don’t actually know exactly what they want. Do they want to be coddled and protected, or do they want freedom? They kind of want both, but they can’t have both … communication has to be so key.”

While the panelists agree with Nathan that clearly communicating our expectations is the key to having them met, they also agree that everyone can realistically expect to be the cause of someone else’s unmet expectations.

If that happens, Collett reminds us, any hurt they show is simply because they want to feel loved and known.

“It always comes back to communicating. My husband says to me, ‘Tell me! Talk to me! I can’t read your mind … It’s about communicating what you’re expecting.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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