You’re making dinner when your partner walks in and says, “Look at this funny video.” You nod vaguely but keep stirring the pot. You’re distracted, tired, thinking about what’s next.

What just happened? According to Dr. John Gottman, you may have missed a bid for connection, one of the most important building blocks in a healthy relationship.

In long-term love, it’s not the grand romantic gestures that keep couples close, it’s how they respond to each other’s small, everyday emotional needs.

A bid is any attempt to get attention, affection, or affirmation. It could be verbal (“How was your day?”), physical (a hand on your back), or even emotional (a sigh or a subtle glance).

It’s your partner saying, “Will you connect with me?” And every time you respond, you’re answering, “Yes, I see you, I’m here.”

In research conducted at The Gottman Institute, couples who stayed happily married over six years responded positively to their partner’s bids 86% of the time.

Those who divorced? Only 33% of the time. That’s not just significant—it’s staggering.

The Science Behind It

Neuroscience confirms what the research shows: human beings are wired for connection. When someone responds warmly to a bid, the brain releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and over time, this strengthens emotional safety and trust.

Even a tiny gesture, like eye contact or a “tell me more”, can activate the brain’s reward system, reinforcing closeness.

But when bids are consistently ignored, dismissed, or rejected, the result is disconnection.

As psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson puts it, “Our deepest need is to know we’re emotionally safe and held. Without that, we don’t thrive.”

What Bids Sound Like

Bids for connection are everywhere, they’re just not always obvious. Here are a few examples:

• “Want to come with me to the shop?” → Bid for time together
• “Work was a lot today.” → Bid for emotional support
• “Did you see that article I sent?” → Bid for shared interest
• A shoulder rub, a joke, a random story → Bid for affection or attention

It’s easy to dismiss these moments as small talk or habit—but they’re actually sacred micro-moments that shape your emotional bond.

Why They’re Easy to Miss

Let’s be honest, life is full. Between kids, work, chores, and the never-ending mental to-do list, many couples go into survival mode. We get task-focused, not connection-focused. Phones, fatigue, and unspoken resentment can also make us tune out without meaning to. And sometimes, we’re not even aware that our partner is reaching for us.

But the more bids we miss, the more disconnected we feel. You don’t need to be a mind-reader. You just need to slow down and start noticing.

1. Tune In More Often

Look up when your partner speaks. Notice their tone, their eyes, their body language. Even a gentle “What’s up?” can invite more connection.

2. Respond, Even If It’s Small

You don’t have to launch into a long conversation every time. A nod, a smile, or “Thanks for sharing that with me” is often enough.

3. Ask Questions

If you’re not sure if something’s a bid, ask. “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?”

4. Turn Toward, Not Away

Dr. Gottman’s research defines this as the habit of intimacy. Turning toward builds connection. Turning away slowly erodes it.

The Long-Term Impact

When you respond to a bid, your partner feels:

• Seen
• Valued
• Safe

Over time, this builds:

• Emotional intimacy
• Trust
• Greater resilience in conflict

In fact, Gottman’s research shows that positive interactions during neutral or everyday moments are more predictive of marital satisfaction than how couples handle arguments.

That’s right, it’s not how well you fight, but how well you connect that determines your future.

If love is a language, bids for connection are its vocabulary. They’re the “I’m here,” the “Do you see me?” and the “Let’s be close even when life is busy.”

Marriage isn’t held together by grand gestures, it’s strengthened by everyday choices.

And the good news? You get dozens of chances a day to say yes to connection.

So next time your partner sends you a small signal, a sigh, a story, a silly meme, pause.

Look up. Turn toward. Because those little moments? They matter more than you think.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

A common myth about relationships is that not fighting is a good sign. Although not fighting may sound ideal, peaceful, easy, and drama-free, in reality, the absence of conflict can sometimes signal emotional distance, avoidance, or unspoken resentment.

What truly matters is not whether you fight, but whether you know how to fight well, this includes engaging with respect, care, and a willingness to understand each other.

In their book Fight Right, Drs. John and Julie Gottman offer a powerful reframe: conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we handle it that matters. When approached with care and curiosity, conflict can actually become a gateway to deeper understanding, growth, and closeness.

Here are 5 key takeaways from the Gottmans’ work that we’ve found helpful in our work with couples:

1. Start Gently to Fight Well

When emotions are high, it’s easy to jump in with blame or criticism. But the way an argument begins often sets the tone for how it will end. Starting with a gentle “I” statement, like “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and could use some help”, is far more effective than “You never help around the house.”

2. Stay Emotionally Engaged to Fight Well

In tough moments, some of us shut down or walk away. Whilst it’s a protective response, it can leave your partner feeling abandoned. The Gottmans talk about “turning toward” instead: staying present, even if you don’t have the perfect response. Sometimes just saying, “I’m trying to understand” can go a long way.

3. Watch for the ‘Four Horsemen’ to Fight Well

These are four communication habits that can seriously harm relationships:

• Criticism – attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours
• Contempt – using sarcasm, mocking, or eye-rolling to express disrespect
• Defensiveness – shifting blame or playing the victim instead of taking responsibility
• Stonewalling – shutting down or going silent to avoid the conversation

We all fall into these patterns from time to time, especially when feeling hurt or overwhelmed. But becoming aware of them, and learning to recognise the early signs, can make a big difference. Catching these habits early allows you to pause, reflect, and respond more thoughtfully before things spiral.

4. Make Repairs Along the Way to Fight Well

Conflict doesn’t have to be fully resolved in one conversation. What matters more is that both people feel safe, heard, and emotionally connected. Resolution often takes time, and it’s the small repair attempts, like a kind word, a gentle touch, or a bit of humour, that help maintain the bond. These gestures show that the relationship matters more than being right and can be the first step toward rebuilding understanding.

5. Go Deeper Than the Surface to Fight Well

Most fights aren’t really about the dishwasher, dirty laundry, or weekend plans. At their core, they’re usually about deeper emotional needs, like feeling appreciated, respected, accepted, or understood. When you take a moment to look beyond the surface of the argument and ask, “What’s really going on here?”, you open the door to more meaningful communication. That’s where real understanding begins, and where genuine healing and growth in the relationship can take place.

Fighting With Your Relationship in Mind

The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether. It’s to approach disagreements with the mindset of building us, not just proving me. Fighting right means seeing conflict as part of the dance of a long-term relationship. Not a step backward, but a way forward. It’s not about fighting less. It’s about learning to fight well.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva