By: Rinet Van Lill
The habit of prioritising others’ needs over your own is often misunderstood as purely negative — as if it only means saying yes too often or avoiding disagreement at all costs.
In reality, this behaviour can also reflect a natural expression of agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits extensively studied in psychology.
Agreeableness includes qualities such as kindness, empathy, cooperativeness, and a strong motivation to maintain harmony in relationships. Individuals with high levels of this trait tend to be warm, compassionate, and willing to support others, which can lead to actions aimed at making others feel comfortable and valued. In this way, such tendencies embody positive social values like trust, cooperation, and altruism.
When People Pleasing Goes Beyond Its Positive Intentions
While agreeableness encourages prosocial behaviour and smooth social interactions, it can sometimes become burdensome. This occurs when the desire to accommodate others or avoid conflict outweighs one’s personal needs and boundaries. Over time, this imbalance may cause stress, exhaustion, or feelings of resentment.
Research in personality psychology shows that traits such as agreeableness influence the automatic ways we respond to others. Those with higher levels of this trait often react swiftly and naturally with cooperation and compromise, sometimes before fully considering their own stance. Though beneficial in many situations, this tendency can make it difficult to pause and assert one’s limits when necessary.
Building Awareness and New Responses to People Pleasing
Developing greater self-awareness is the first step in managing these patterns—paying attention not only to what you agree to, but understanding the reasons behind your choices. It’s important to distinguish between genuine kindness and actions driven by fears like rejection or conflict avoidance.
Recognising this difference creates space to respond differently. You might practise setting gentle but firm boundaries, clearly expressing your needs, or taking time to consider decisions rather than reacting immediately. With patience and practice, it becomes possible to balance the strengths of agreeableness—such as empathy and warmth—with greater self-respect and resilience, fostering more authentic and sustainable relationships.
Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.
Feature image: Canva
